I need to rant or something

I'm scattered. As in - my mind is literally all over the freakin place. What helps me focus? Lists.

School. Ok, so the class I'm in right now is kicking my butt. I have assignments every week that I really have to tend to and due dates that have no flexibility. In a way I feel like working for the government has slowed my way of doing things down. I can't think as fast because my first instinct is - eh, it's not the end of the world. Right? So yeah... I have like two more weeks left of class and then the next one rolls in. In looking at my schedule I will be steady until July 18th. That is when it's all over. Although, I still won't technically graduate until August. Which is fine. OH! So I ordered my cap and gown a week or so ago and it arrived. I tried it on. Pretty cool. I get to pick the rope up after April 15th, so that will be super cool when the whole outfit is all together. Did I mention that I looked at class rings? Yep. In high school I could have cared less about a class ring. Now - I want one. And there are nice ones out there... modern... simple... me. But too damn pricey.

Work. I think I mentioned before that the last few weeks have been insane. I have felt really overwhelmed at work and it's just been really busy. As HR Assistants we have a lot of responsibility to make sure important stuff is done correctly. Not any more than someone else in another job... but the pressure or stress level just feels a little heavier. Well my boss and I talked and she's going to take some stuff off my plate. Which feels really great because then I can breathe, but then I feel like such a slacker because I can't handle it all. I want to be able to do it all. All of the time. But there is just soooo much information. And I worry that I won't get it. I've been there for 9 months already and ... idk. It just doesn't feel like I'm where I want to be yet. Probably the biggest thing tripping me up right now is the pay.

So here is part 1 of my rant. The whole point of me going back to school and getting an education was so that I could be a strong, independent woman. Having a degree would open the doors to opportunities otherwise not available. Yet, as it stands... when I graduate I'm going to be THOUSANDS of dollars in debt (more so than I already am)and making $15k LESS than I was as an admin. I hated doing admin work. It was boring, repetitive and almost every boss I had was a turd. Not all - but most. And so it just sucks that here I am, getting my degree in HR and working in an HR job... yet I make crap for money. So to make up the difference, I am working two part time jobs. TWO. UGH. It's infuriating. I hate it. And I don't know what to do. So on nights when I really hate school and feel like quitting - this is what consumes my mind/thoughts. WHY GO ON?? WHY waste more money?

Anyways. What else. Bible study. Ok, so last fall I finally felt a tug or pull or whatever you want to call it to join a bible study / small group. I contacted a lady at the church. She emailed back and recommended that I wait til January because a lot of studies would be coming to a close with the holidays, blah blah blah. So I waited. I started this study in January and went in with the intention to learn more about the bible and grow with some other christian women. Well, last class at least two women at my table of 5 said that they don't complete their homework because the questions are too personal.

Rant number 2. SERIOUSLY?? What is the point of being in a small group or doing a bible study with a few ladies if you aren't even going to talk about the gutsy stuff? Otherwise, you could do it at home - ALONE. So I'm disappointed. The book of Daniel is really an incredible story and listening/watching Beth Moore has changed my life. Her view and interpretation of scripture is just amazing. But I'm more comfortable watching them at home and asking my own questions out loud than sitting at a table with a group of women who only want to talk about surface stuff. It's just - the whole point of doing it together is so that we grow and learn and listen and have the fellowship that we are supposed to have - that we are called to have with each other. Why? Because we can't have this type of fellowship with non-believers. I know for those of you who don't believe in God, I must sound crazy or whatever. But I'm just sad and disappointed. For now I'll continue to go and when it's all said and done, do a little more research into who I'm dealing with. We'll see how that goes.

Family. I can't stop thinking about family right now. Everyone is on my mind and it drives me crazy that I can't see them more or talk to them more... or whatever. I am still hoping to make it back to NC in the next few months, but I don't know if that's going to happen. Ticket prices are really high right now. On a positive note - my ex-step dad is going to fly out for my graduation ceremony in May. I am SUPER excited for that. I've told a few family members already and no one is interested. Whatever. I guess for most people graduating college isn't a big deal. For me - it is a BIG deal. I have spent the last 6 years of my life working and going to school along with everything else. It is a HUGE honor and big deal to have family be here when I walk across that stage. And yet I've only got 1 person who shows any level of enthusiasm or interest.

So basically, I suck. Because my people don't live up to my expectations and therefore I become disappointed and depressed. Blah.

Baby Fever. And I don't mean just the human kind... it's all over. This past Sunday Aaron and I went to a Keeshond Mardi Gras party. I found a breeder online and she invited me to the party. It was awesome. All these furry little babies running around all over the place. It only made me miss Lady even more and solidify once again that this breed is truly - MY breed. Aaron did great. He didn't interact with the dogs too much, but showed no sign of anxiety or stress. I talked with a breeder and met one of the gals she is going to breed this summer. I am hoping for a pup from that litter later on this fall. YAY!! Aside from furry babies though... there are pregnant women everywhere. The gal that sits on the other side of my cube wall is pregnant. We aren't close so I can't just talk to her or ask all the questions I want. Plus, I'm like hundreds of other freaks that wants to touch her belly. I haven't asked and I won't. But it's there. Then, like a punch in the stomach we found out last night that Nathan's mommy is pregnant and due in November. What's weird is that when I thought she was pregnant last year I was ok. Now, I'm a mess. I'm jealous. I'm envious. Things that I'm not normally. Why?? Aaron and I have openly talked about our plans to get pregnant next year. So it's not like I don't have something to look forward to, because I do. But then there is a fear. Fear of - what if? What if I can't or don't get pregnant? How do you live life surrounded by women who have babies like it's nothing? And I think with Baby's Momma in particular, it's a combination of things. I feel like she has everything she's ever wanted and it all comes so easily. Secure job - check. Stable husband - check. Big house - check. New car - check. Involvement at the church - check. I mean, the list goes on and on. And I ask myself - how much freakin longer? Ugh. I know that if the time were right, we'd be pregnant right now. It's just still a little hard to watch other people when you know you can't yet. I'm just really anxious for that experience. OH! Not to mention - my sister-in-law is pregnant too. Due in October. Of course I am thrilled for all these mommies, I just want to be one.

What else? Vegas is less than two weeks away. I can't wait. So I have Vegas in March. Easter with the squirt in April... graduation and visitor in May. Father's Day in June. Etc.

I guess for now I'm done. The words and thoughts are out of my head.