Relationship Revelations!

First off - I am not afraid to admit that Ace and I have been in marriage counseling since late August. We've gone once a week and it has helped tremendously along with reading certain books, attending a marriage class at church and just spending quality time on our relationship. Now, having said that I feel that it is always important to share what we learn with others. Who knows what we might learn from each other?

What is marriage? One of the first assignments we were given was to really analyze and express our expectations of the marriage we are in. Oddly enough, we did not have the same expectations. SHOCKER! (you might sense some sarcasm on occasion) So yeah, his expectation of marriage was completely different than my own. SO we listed the major stuff out on paper and described in detail exactly what each trait meant. Then in our sessions we talked through every expectation and asked the other person if they felt it was possible to meet that. It took 3 sessions to get through, but in the end was a great exercise. In our class, the first night we were reminded that the mindset we both have to be in, in order to learn, is negotiation and acceptance. We have to ask ourselves, "What is our purpose as a couple?" It sparked a lot of great discussion and was really nice to just hear what the other spouse is thinking/feeling about our marriage.

What are the differences between men and women? Other than the obvious. Now - this area really rocks my mind and seriously opened up HUGE avenues of understanding for me. I felt like a thousand light bulbs went off all at once. It was great. I'm going to try and breakdown all the stuff I learned in each medium.

Class: Men - they report. They compete with each other. They long for independence and enjoy a struggle. They are very guarded with each other. They want to make sure that THEY are the ones making a decision. What can they do differently? LISTEN in a different way to what women are saying. Women - they repore. We connect. We ask for a consensus and always want to know what others are doing. What can we do differently? We can talk to men in a better way - BE SPECIFIC! And also understand that most men understand logic - not emotions.

I love this stat: Women use 35,000 words a day. Men use 3,500. HA!

Books: So for 3 weeks I begged Ace to read the book Wild At Heart. I think I posted a note about it before, but I will mention it again here. This book is awesome. Along with the basic understanding that men just flat out don't communicate like women. And society in general is trying to force men to communicate like women. Well I am not going to do that anymore! I am going to learn my husbands language and as our instructor says in class - Become the expert on your spouse!! I know that a lot of this stuff is basic, but yet we don't take it into practice. Ok. So the other book that was good for us was From Anger to Intimacy. Right now we are reading Saving Your Second Marriage Before (or during!) It Begins. A lot of the books stress the same points over and over again but when your marriage has been in trouble for a period of time, I think it's important to have repetition. Then it becomes ingrained in the brain.

What do women want to know? That their relationship is secure! What do men want to know? That they are the hero!

What do we know about commitment? So this class was more of a reminder for me than anything. I know I'm already committed, but how much - that is something I forget all to easily. That night I was reminded that when I said "I do" to Ace, I meant, I will be there through thick AND thin. For better AND worse. For rich AND poor. It's so easy to say, I just want a thick, better, rich marriage. But that's just not life. We also did a little recap on some flow chart stuff that I haven't seen in a few years. We start out with attraction, move to time together, then to attachment, then to commitment and onto marriage. Of course a lot of relationships get stuck in the attachment/commitment phases and sort of go around in circles there.

Communication and having fights. First of all, for whatever reason there is a myth or idea out there that being angry and having arguments is a bad thing. IT'S NOT! Now, I recognize that not everyone is as confrontational as I am. SHOCK! But still, we need to learn how to fight in a healthy way. Or even how to have a discussion. One of the items brought up this last week was when women ask men a question and there is always a pause. Our instructor told us - men need about 1.5 minute to process their answer. That's why they usually say, "I don't know" when we ask them something right away. Their pause doesn't mean they don't care or aren't paying attention. It simply means they need a little bit of time to think of an answer.

The Floor Technique. Have you ever heard of this? I have several years ago and it's a very challenging tool for me to use. It forces you to slow down. It forces you to abandon any thoughts or ideas you have while the other person is talking and really listen to what they are saying. What a concept, huh? It's HARD!!


After all of it I have realized just how much like an infant I am. At least in marriage. Yes, I learned a LOT from my first marriage. But there is still so much to learn in this one. It's a new person. We are a unit. ONE FLESH. I have never been that with anyone else. And this is to be taken very seriously. It takes lots of work and effort. Thankfully, Ace is patient and has openly committed himself to me and to our marriage. And while you may think that happens when you get married - it does. But you have to do it over and over again with every trial you face together as a couple.

K. That's it for now.